Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady