Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
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Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours