Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
You Might Also Like
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
😏😏😏
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Very good news from my accountant
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.