Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
You Might Also Like
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I self medicate, therefore you live.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
whatcha thinkin bout
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why