Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*