My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
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It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops