Me, to my sons: you guys have been so lucky to have each other during this pandemic, I don’t have anyone like that


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GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …


If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.


When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?


Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.


“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you


[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”


Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.


Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.


Women to the left of me
Women to the right of me
That’s when I realized I was in the wrong bathroom


this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten