there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
my favorite genre of twitter
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?