@VisionBored1

Me, to my sons: you guys have been so lucky to have each other during this pandemic, I don’t have anyone like that

Husband:

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@internetluke

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

@ObscureGent

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

@GrabTheWEness

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

@aveuaskew

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

@SoVeryBritish

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

@WheelTod

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

@WilliamAder

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

@Bad_Ass_Trucker

Women to the left of me
Women to the right of me
That’s when I realized I was in the wrong bathroom

@noahapaul

this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten