Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
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[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
*seductively eats two tums*
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right