me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
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I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I don’t know what to do
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.