When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
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Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
he chose this
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
The Weeknd is back
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?