My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
How to properly lift a body
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.