Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.