Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

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My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”


*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”


[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?


my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned


{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.


[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]


me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why


My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.


Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?