Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
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*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Dammit Chief not again
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.