Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
happy valentine’s day to me
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.