@weinerdog4life

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

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@Eden_Eats

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

@RexChapman

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

@CarpeAngela

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

@thokone

When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?

@1MeLrO

Wow, it’s really blowie outside

Me as a weather girl

@JermHimselfish

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

@hello_saylor

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

@KWalps

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Why don’t you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?

Me: Because I’m not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!