me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
You Might Also Like
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Lmaoo 😂
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.