@weinerdog4life

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

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@shadonium

Kid: What’s a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.

Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom

@TheIronSherk

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

@ooforth

Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.

@murrman5

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

@rancheroni

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

@fatguythe

Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.

@jergarl

Ambien: Where is your unicorn?

Me: I don’t have a unicorn.

A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.

M: Ok.

@TheChrisAngel

By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma.

On Friday…Canada attacks.