me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.