scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
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if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.