me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!