[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

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*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*


Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.


Ancient Chinese proverb:

man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.


WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.


Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.


I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.


When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”


UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes