me: [to uncle] *talking… *talking… *talking… red hot chili peppers…

grandma: [from another county] FOR HEAVENS SAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DO SPICY HAROLD

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As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.


[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first


If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?


[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell


Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.


Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.


Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference


MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked


My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”