Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
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Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.