Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
You Might Also Like
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk