Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
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That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.