Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

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BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you’re a zoo keeper none of them should get away


No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.


imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.


The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.


You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.


[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop


MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids


My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’


Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.