Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
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son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
How do mermaids call their friends ?
With their shell phone!
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
They say smoking marijuana causes memory loss. Well if that’s true, how come I never forget to smoke marijuana? Checkmate.
dropping hints like
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.