Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”