Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?