Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
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Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan