ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
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My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
saving face 👀
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them