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@ChrisThayerSays

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

@50FirstTates

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

@CerebralWreck

According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.

@elle91

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

@aneesa_p

In Canada, we don’t count by Mississippi’s, we count by Saskatchewan’s.

@YSylon

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

@KalvinMacleod

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

@briangaar

Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”

@daddydoubts

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.