Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch