Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”