[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.