Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle