Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
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[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.