Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.