ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
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Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
What do you hear?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude