a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Hard not to take this personally
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck