[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they’ve seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions
Sorry my mom wouldn’t stop talking on our killing spree.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
doctor: oh right
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE BEING TURNED INTO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES RIGHT NOW!
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.