Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
How software testing works
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
#dalle2
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat