“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
is this a threat
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands