Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?