@AndyAsAdjective
KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room
ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?
KID: yes
ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight
@mariah_hartjes
Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”
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@AndyAsAdjective
@SteveAmiri
If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.
@sweetg35
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
@StephenAtHome
Trump called Kim Jong Un a “smart cookie.” That’s crazy — he reminds me more of a “murderous soft cheese.”
@CoolCamel69
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
@Marlebean
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
@clindsaysway
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
@iAmJuddy
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
@unmehlievable
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat