Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”

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11yo: Daddy, why can’t we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.


The hardest part of being a dog is not understanding why squirrels don’t want to play with you.


Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk


Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now


3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.



3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!


<enter password>


<password is too short>


<password must have at least one special character>



overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos


Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.


*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*