@mariah_hartjes

Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”

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@Boba_Photo

11yo: Daddy, why can’t we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.

@TheBoydP

The hardest part of being a dog is not understanding why squirrels don’t want to play with you.

@Sickayduh

Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

@ParentNormal

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

@Love_bug1016

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

@SteveSuckington

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

@NoogsCorner

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*