I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
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Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
this is what they would have looked like, though
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”