@iamspacegirl

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*

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@scottthetwat

My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.

@KWalps

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

@ofentseprokid

I stopped using a CONDOM after NIVEA started offering 48 Hours protection

Why protect myself Twice?😕😒

@FakeDeanAccount

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@thenatewolf

HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out

ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

@ThePocketJustin

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

@hereholddeez

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

@WilliamRodgers

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?