ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
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Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.