@Jerrypleasure

Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish

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@bossy_bootz

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

@FatherWithTwins

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

@djdarrellripley

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

@AndrewNadeau0

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

@jaboukie

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

@jnrbtsn

The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.

@Nickadoo

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

@pc62488

If you are under 18 years old please Unfollow me, I have underwear older than you.