@Jerrypleasure

Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish

You Might Also Like

@ValeeGrrl

Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it

@roxiqt

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

@_davidlucas_

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

@smithsara79

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

@tehaveragejoel

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

@carltonhimself

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

@HenpeckedHal

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

@DigitalDropz

My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.

@Darlainky

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice