It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
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I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.