Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish

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Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it


I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.


*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.


“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car


Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.


“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”


The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.


My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.


You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice