Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”