Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Stick it to the man
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is