WHY would you be happy about this?
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humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
i was baptized in a car wash