Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.