me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.

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Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.



“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”


the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall


My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”


Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL


Me: OMG! Say something!


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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.


Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.