@BillMc7

me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.

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@MavenofHonor

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when you’re looking at your phone next to someone who’s sleeping, you will inadvertently click on a video

@DrawingShadows

Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.

@thepunningman

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

@ShortSleeveSuit

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

@doktorj

As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.

@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

@VodkaTiem

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.