[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us
*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.
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Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread.
Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?
Mom: Get out.
dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.