Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Good point.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No