Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
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I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
PLOT TWIST:
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out