I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I’ve had worse
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task