My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
hmm conte-me mais
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.